


Being Human is Hard

by Findmehere



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Comes Out, Castiel Does Not Understand Boundaries (Supernatural), Castiel asks a lot of questions, Dean bi panic, Human Castiel (Supernatural), M/M, Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-09
Updated: 2021-03-09
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:07:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29949057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Findmehere/pseuds/Findmehere
Summary: Cas is learning what attraction really is while he navigates being human for the first time.This fic is set after Cas comes to the bunker, as if Dean had never kicked him out.
Relationships: Castiel & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester
Comments: 8
Kudos: 71





	Being Human is Hard

**Author's Note:**

> I saw this premise on tumblr and I could not resist. Basically how would Dean react knowing Cas was gay and kinda into him... I’ll try and find the original post and tag the person. I’m not good at tumbler yet! This is pure self-indulgent fluff, because I love them.

Cas had come back to the bunker after being stabbed by April. Dean kept looking at him out of the corner of his eye like he was expecting Cas to disintegrate, but Cas would just smile reassuringly. Honestly, he felt fine, April had healed him completely before Dean killed her. He wanted to be sad that she was dead, but being tortured had shifted his perspective.

He found that he liked the Winchester's new home, even if it was a bit cold. It was well stocked with food and supplies, and there were so many books. Reading was something he enjoyed more as a human. Many things were extremely irritating, but reading was calming. He had started compiling a mental list of all human activities he liked/disliked.

Disliked:  
Fragile human bodies  
Being cold  
Urination  
Beets  
Morning Breath  
Thirst  
Hunger  
Gas

Liked:  
Reading  
Sleeping  
Warm clothing  
Ejaculation  
PB&Js

He knew the lists were fairly inane, but it kept him occupied when he was trying to fall asleep at night. That was when he tried very hard not to think about heaven. Other times, he thought of Dean, he would make lists of all the qualities he liked about him and what he hoped to emulate now that he was human. Those lists were endless, but sometimes pointless as Cas could not change the color of his eyes, his jawline, or the sound of his own voice. He would settle for learning what he could from Dean instead, as he knew he would be a good teacher. 

After a week in the bunker Cas realized that he had not seen Sam, except for a few chance encounters. 

“Sammy is busy, probably styling his hair,” Dean quipped when Cas inquired after him.

“Oh,” Cas said, missing the joke, “I never considered that would take so much time. I haven’t seen him all day.”

Dean let out a little laugh, shifting uncomfortably, “Nah, man, I was kidding. I think he’s just in his room, he’s been sleeping a lot, and researching… the trials, they… well they really took it out of him.”

Cas nodded, “I know you’re worried, Dean, but he will be fine.”

“Yeah,” Dean muttered glancing at the ceiling. 

Castiel took another bite of the sandwich that Dean had made him. It had Turkey and some sort of cheese and mustard, and while he thought it tasted good, he still preferred peanut butter and jelly. Dean handed him a glass of water and Cas downed it, realizing that he had still not gotten used to drinking regularly. 

“So…” Dean said, standing by Cas as he finished his food, “what is human Cas going to do now?”

Cas swallowed his last bite considering, “I am not sure how, but… I think I’d like to hunt with you and Sam.”

Dean lip quirked up at the corner, “Yeah? Well you’ve got a lot to learn about hunting.”

“I have a lot to learn in general,” Cas said, letting the weight of his statement wash over him.

Dean clapped him on the shoulder sympathetically and it sent a familiar spark through Cas’s gut. Cas wanted to clasp it, and hold onto it, maybe press his face against it... Instead he let it fall and stood, taking his plate to the sink. Another dislike: chores.

Later that evening, Dean went out and grabbed a pizza for them. Sam took a few slices to his room, but Dean and Cas took theirs to the map table where Dean had also set out a fresh six pack. By his second beer Cas was startling to feel a slight tingle in his body and his cheeks were flushed a dark crimson. Cas noticed Dean had been looking at him for a few moments before he slammed his hand down on the table, clearly determined.

“Alright man,” he said, “I know you like to get freaky with ladies like April who want to stab you, but hows about we find you somebody who lets you carry the angel blade.”

Cas did not understand anything Dean had just said, “What are you talking about Dean? I had my angel blade, April took it from me…”

“Yeah, yeah,” Dean interrupted, rolling his eyes, “not what I meant.”

Cas squinted, “Were you referring to intercourse?”

Dean nearly spit his beer, “uh… yeah, man. One of the few human perks.”

Cas considered this, and while he had enjoyed the sex act he had no real inclination to repeat it under the same circumstances. The attraction he had felt for April was real, but it was born out of desperation, born out of a need to be touched. He had wanted to be touched as an angel as well, but because he could see into the souls of those he cared about, that often sufficed. It was like touching, intimate and comforting. April had initiated sex, and Castiel had been very willing to enjoy that human experience, it was educational and enjoyable, and he learned a great deal with her. However, since that encounter he had not found himself thinking of the incident other than the fleeting desire for release, and he quickly realized he could accomplish that without a partner. When he really stopped to consider it, felt much more attracted to Dean than he had to April, and in that moment he imagined if it had been Dean who touched him… 

Dean was watching Cas, his eyes were flickering like he was going through a checklist in his head. Finally, he had to interrupt, “What are you thinking so hard about Cas?” 

“Actually,” Cas said, looking at Dean, “I was thinking about sex.”

“See,” Dean winked, “Human perks, man. You want me to take you somewhere to meet some women?” 

“Hmm… I don’t think I would like to continue to have sex with women,” he said, his stomach twisting.

Dean took a sip of his beer, and gave Cas an understanding look, “That’s cool man, you don’t have to play the field if it’s not your thing.” 

“Why would I be in a field?” 

Dean scoffed, “No, I mean it’s fine if you don’t want to have sex.”

“Oh,” Cas, nodded, “I would like to have sex, very much, my disinclination was toward women.” 

Dean nearly choked on his beer. 

“Are you alright?”

Dean leaned forward, “Cas, are you saying you… uh want to… ya know… with guys?”

“Yes,” Cas smiled, “I think it would be enjoyable.”

“Oh,” was the only reply that Dean could manage as a blush crept up his neck and covered his cheeks like a rash. “Well that’s cool with me man,” he said, finally. 

Cas started on his third beer he felt very inclined toward this sort of educational experience, his mind suddenly flooded with questions.

“Have you had sex with men, Dean?” He asked, his pupils dilating at the thought. 

Dean looked as though he had been hit, and his eyes went wide, “What? Why would you ask me that?”

Cas squinted again, that seemed obvious, “I wanted to know.”

“Well,” Dean said, his voice raising a little, “you don’t just ask that, okay?”

“Why?”

“Because you don’t?”

“I don’t understand,” Cas felt deflated and annoyed.

Dean sighed, wiping his eye with the back of his hands, “Listen, some things are personal. Like… it’s cool with me that you’re gay, but not everyone is… okay with that.”

Cas understood, “I see. Sexual orientation is a repressive standard which requires humans to choose between genders and declare a preference. I just assumed you did not live by that standard, you tend to rebel against rules.”

Dean laughed in spite of himself, “Yeah, I do, but I guess some stuff is hard wired in. Good or bad.”

“So, do you find the idea enjoyable?” 

Dean rolled his eyes, “You really are not going to let this go are you?”

“I’m sorry,” Cas looked down at his hands, “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

“Yeah, I know buddy, but you are,” Dean said, a little harshly.

Cas decided to go to bed, he stood up saying goodnight to Dean as he padded off toward his room. Something new settled inside him that night, something akin to disappointment but with sharper edges. He thought about their conversation as he lay in bed, waiting for sleep to overwhelm him, but his mind kept flicking back to his revelation. He supposed to humans this sort of thing would be more significant, but he was an angel — or at least an ex-angel — so it made no sense to him why people would fixate on sexuality so much. Cas felt that love and consent should be the deciding factors in these types of decisions, not genitalia. He wished he could explain it to Dean, but the conversation had made him so uncomfortable. Cas did not want that. 

The next morning Sam was in the kitchen when Cas came in to make tea. 

“Morning Cas,” Sam said, smiling.

“Good morning,” Cas replied glad to see Sam out of his room, “you look well.”

“Thanks,” Sam said, “It's weird, I have just been so tired, I sleep and it's like my mind is just blank and I don’t even feel that rested… but last night I got a solid six hours and I feel good. I think I’ll maybe go for a light jog.”

“Well take it easy,” Cas smiled, “Your brother will worry. Is Dean awake?”

“Yeah, he took off like ten minutes ago, said he was going for a grocery run,” Sam said. 

“Oh,” Castiel replied, unable to mask his disappointment.

Sam, of course, picked up on Cas’s expression “Everything good? Did you guys get into another stupid fight?”

Cas gave Sam an annoyed look, “No, but he seemed to be upset last night when I asked him some personal questions.”

“Oh yeah,” Sam almost laughed, knowing how that must have gone over, “like what?”

“Well, he offered to find me a female sex partner, but I had been thinking about my experiences and explained that I would like to have a male sex partners in future. He seemed fine with that…,” Cas felt flustered, trying to remember the exact conversation, “then he got upset when I asked if he had, had any male sex partners…”

“You what?” Sam interjected, clearly amused. 

“I was just trying to gain some perspective. Dean seems to be fairly practiced in intercourse…”

“Oh man, no… just, no. We are not talking about Dean’s sex life. I get enough of that crap from him.”

“Okay,” Cas replied, once again confused, “but I thought you wanted to know what upset him.”

Sam nodded and smiled reassuringly, “Yeah, man, I think I got it now.”

“Oh,” Cas said, sitting down across from Sam.

Sam nodded again, “Yeah, so… the thing is, some people are pretty repressed about talking about… that part of their lives. I mean, Dean blusters and postures with the best of them, but have you ever known Dean to be an open book… about anything?”

Cas watched his tea steeping and thought about all the times Dean had withheld information, or covered up his own pain in order to ease those around him, or simply stopped a line of questioning as soon as it became too personal. 

“No,” Cas answered, “but I don’t think I understand the connection. Dean is always bragging about his sexual encounters.”

“Yeah,” Sam laughed again, “he does that, but… you’ll find that most guys who go out of their way to brag are usually compensating for something.”

“What is Dean compensating for?”

Sam stood up suddenly, “Ha! That is where this conversation ends, but I will say this. Weren’t you going to ask me?” 

“Ask you what?”

“If I had experiences with men?”

“Oh,” Cas had not even thought about it, “I guess I assumed you had not.”

Sam jutted his chin forward as if to punctuate a point, “Think about that Cas…”

Then Sam turned and left. 

Cas did think about it as he made himself some toast with apricot jam, and he thought about it as he showered and put on clean clothes, and he thought about it as he went to sit outside in the fresh air. Finally, he decided two things. Firstly, he had asked Dean because he had hoped he was attracted to men also. Secondly, Dean never actually answered the question. Both of these things made Cas’s skin feel hot and his stomach do little flips. He was practically buzzing with static in his ears, which is why he did not hear the Impala pull into the bunker, or Dean walk up beside him. 

“Hey man,” Dean said.

Castiel practically fell off the bench where he was sitting. 

“Whoa, man! Chill!” Dean said as Cas tried to regain his breath and slow his heart.

“Dean,” he huffed, “you snuck up on me.”

“No, actually you were just lost in thought,” he replied, “No way Baby can sneak up on anybody.” 

Cas considered this, “Yes, I suppose I was.”

Dean hesitantly put his hand on Cas’s shoulder, catching his eyes, “You good man?”

Cas felt a bolt shoot through him at the contact just as he had the night before, only this time he was sure he understood why. He looked at Dean and wished he could see his soul, could sense what he was feeling, but all he saw were penetrating green eyes.

“Dean, I don’t think I am good,” he said, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat.

“What’s wrong man?” Dean stepped back observing him for signs of injury.

“Physically, nothing,” he answered, “But things I felt as an angel, things that were easier to ignore feel very real to me just now. My attraction to you has always seemed inconsequential considering our friendship and the things we have faced, but now I find it is very hard to ignore.”

The only real way to describe what happened next is that Dean went off-line. He stood in front of Cas his mouth agape, his arms heavy at his sides, unblinking and unable to move. He stood like this for what seemed like hours to Cas before he had to say something to break the tension.

“Dean? Have I upset you?”

“Uh...well…” Dean spluttered, “Nah, man. Nah… I mean… I take it as a compliment….”

“...but it makes you uncomfortable,” Cas interrupted.

Dean looked at his feet and rubbed the back of his neck, “It’s fine, it's cool man. Listen, I have groceries in the car.”

Dean was backing away, tripping a little over his feet. 

“Do you need help…”

“No, no! I got it,” Dean said, turning toward the garage.

Cas did not think that had gone very well.

The next few weeks passed in a blur. Cas had stayed in the bunker for the first week while Sam and Dean hunted a werewolf outside Omaha, but he had joined Dean on a hunt a few days later when he realized it was an angel killing. Cas knew by the bright pink stains left behind by the victims practically vaporizing into thin air that it was an angel of mercy. When they tracked him down, it turned out he was killing innocents for their sadness or frustration which he confused for true suffering. He, like so many angels after the fall, did not understand what humanity truly was, he did not understand that pain is woven so tightly with love and joy that they were sometimes indistinguishable, and that humans were just doing their best to navigate it all. In the end, he would not listen to Cas’s explanation, and Dean had come down on him with the angel blade in just in time to save Cas. 

“Thank you,” Cas said as they pulled the impala into the motel parking lot. 

“For what Cas,” Dean said, his eyes lingering on the angels a bit longer than they had in a while.

“For saving me.”

“I’ll always save you, Cas,” Dean replied.

Cas felt that knot in his stomach twist again, and fought the urge to wrap his arms around the hunter. Instead he smiled at him and placed his hand over Dean’s. To his utter shock, Dean did not pull away, but squeezed Cas’s hand once before turning off the ignition and heading into the motel. It was the first time they were alone since their conversation outside the bunker. Cas knew Dean had been avoiding being alone with him, but he tried not to let it bother him. He assumed that Dean was trying to put distance between them so that Cas would not confuse their friendship for something more. He had been reading about human relationships, and thought this was Dean setting boundaries… although he also thought it seemed a little like avoidance.

After they checked in Dean went out and picked up burritos and they ate them on their beds while watching some show called Dr. Sexy M.D. that Dean seemed to like. 

“The Dr. Sexy character is very attractive,” Cas said absentmindedly before biting into his burrito. 

“Yeah,” Dean replied, his face flushing instantly, “...for a dude,” he added.

Cas looked at Dean curiously, sensing his embarrassment “Yes, for a dude.”

Dean cleared his throat, never taking his eyes off the screen. 

“You are much more attractive you know,” Cas said, hoping the compliment would soothe him. 

Dean froze, his mouth still full of burrito. After a beat, he chewed and gulped. 

“Yeah?” He asked finally, his face now crimson, “you think so?”

“Yes,” Cas replied, and then focused back on the program.

After a few more minutes Cas took their empty containers and threw them in the trash before bringing them both a fresh beer. 

“Thanks,” Dean said, taking the bottle.

Cas just nodded and set on his bed.

“You, uh…” Dean began, “You’re a good looking guy too, Cas”

Cas felt warmth spread across his chest, “I am glad you think so, Dean.”

“Mm-hmm,” was all Dean replied, swigging his beer. 

After another hour of crap TV they decided to go to sleep so they could hit the road back to the bunker first thing in the morning. They brushed their teeth in silence, and Cas tried very hard not to notice how Dean’s sweatpants clung to him after his shower, how his wet hair dripped down his neck, or how his mouth looked wet after he brushed his teeth. He tried not to notice a lot of things. They were both tired after the fight and as they walked toward the bed Cas stumbled over Dean’s shoe which he had kicked off in the middle of the floor earlier Cas pivoted and caught himself against Dean’s shoulder. Dean’s reflexes were excellent and he caught Cas so that he was flat against his chest, their faces inches away. They both stood there a moment, Cas unable to look away from Dean’s eyes which if he was not mistaken were looking at his mouth. After a few moments Dean gently pushed Cas backward. 

“Walk much?” He said sarcastically, before quickly walking to his bed and ducking under the covers. 

Cas was too overwhelmed to speak. Why had Dean been looking at this mouth?

Back at the bunker they continued to research a plan for taking on Abaddon. Cas and Sam’s main objective was to make sure they had a clear plan and enough power to take her down. Dean’s main objective seemed to be “axing the she-devil” as he repeated over and over. Dean did not seem to avoid Cas as often now, in fact, he had taken the opposite approach, inviting Cas on grocery runs, or asking him to watch movies with him in the “Dean Cave”, and Cas never said no to a single invitation. 

It was on one such night when they decided to watch a western that Cas had never seen starring John Wayne, who Dean insisted was a legend. Cas enjoyed the movie at first but then quickly caught onto the sexist and xenophobic overtones and began to tune out. 

“Why do you like these Western films Dean?” Cas asked.

“Because they are awesome,” he answered, clearly annoyed.

“Hmm…” Cas answered, shivering a little.

The bunker was always cold, and Cas could never seem to get warm enough as a human.

Dean watched him and rolled his eyes. “Ugh, just come over here,” he said, pulling up one side of the blanket.

Cas’s eyes went wide, but he stood up from the chair where he sat and moved to the couch beside Dean. As soon as he sat down, Dean Sat the blanket back down over both of their legs and looked back toward the tv. The couch was old and worn and as time went on their weight pressed the cushions so that they were both sort of smooshed in the middle with their thighs and arms pressed together. Due to this, Cas could not have listened to the movie if he wanted to because he was so preoccupied with the feel of Dean’s bicep against his own, and the way the hunter seemed to radiate heat. 

Eventually, the movie was over and Dean stood up. To Cas, the absence of his touch felt like a loss and his heart ached from it. 

It must have been clear on his face because when Dean turned to face him he said, “You okay man? What, did you hate the movie?”

“No… well, yes, I did, but I’m fine,” he tried to lie.

“Dude you have no poker face. What’s up?” Dean replied, although sarcastic his voice was kind and his eyes crinkled at the edges.

“I…” Cas hesitated, unsure if honesty would make Dean want to flee, “I guess I just liked being close to you… physically.”

Dean did not respond, but his mouth curved up at the corner.

“Sorry,” Cas said looking at his hands, “I am still not sure how to do this, be around you but not be overwhelmed by you. Being human is very confusing.”

Dean actually looked sympathetic at this, and before Cas could react, he sat back down on the couch where he had been and turned the TV on again. He pulled the blanket back up and over them and put on another program. He did not say a word, but they stayed like that for hours, close. 

The next morning when Cas went to make his tea he found a cup already sitting on the counter with a tea bag in it, and the kettle already turned on. Dean was sitting at the table nursing a large mug of coffee, his eyes still puffy with sleep. He smiled at Cas over his cup and the way his lips curved sent Cas’s heart into some sort of stuttered rhythm. He poured hot water into his cup and sat across from Dean, staring at the tea bag as it floated listlessly in the steaming water. 

“How are you this morning?” Dean asked, setting his cup down.

Cas smiled in spite of himself at Dean’s even-more-gravely morning voice, “I’m well Dean. How did you sleep?”

Dean’s eyes went wide and he looked at his coffee cup, “Uh, good… good.”

Cas knew that Dean had nightmares, when he was an angel he had tried to soothe him, and now that they shared the bunker he would sometimes hear Dean’s sleepy cries as he passed his room at night. It hurt him to know that he could not help the hunter.

“Did you have a nightmare?” Cas asked without thinking.

“What? No, it wasn’t a bad dream” Dean looked up quickly, confusion on his face quickly replaced by embarrassment, “I mean… It wasn’t… it was nothing.”

Cas became concerned, knowing that the hunter would do anything he could to bury his worries or his pain, “What is it?” 

“Nothing, Cas,” Dean replied, clearly flustered, “Drop it!”

“I won’t drop it Dean,” he said, staring him down, “I need to know if something is wrong, or I cannot help you. We are all in this mess together, and I cannot have your back if you hide things from me or from Sam.”

Dean looked down defeated, Cas had clearly hit a nerve, “Cas, there are things I hide. I have to… for Sammy… for all of us, but I promise, last night has nothing to do with anything secret. God, it wasn’t even bad.”

Once again Dean’s face turned red, and he turned his eyes upward, away from Cas.

“Oh,” Cas said, taken aback, he felt like Dean’s words were twisted up into a pretzel, “I don’t think I understand.”

Dean sighed, “I had a good dream, Cas.”

“That’s all?” Cas said, slightly annoyed that Dean had seemed so flustered by a good dream, “What about?”

Dean sat his coffee down rather harshly on the table, some of the contents splashing over his hand and onto the wood, “You don’t let things go do you?”

Cas’s stomach lurched and his eyes stung at Dean’s harsh tone, he felt in this moment that he might never understand being human. He was constantly tripping wires that he could not see. Constantly setting people’s teeth on edge by simply asking questions.

“I’m sorry,” he said, turning to stand, “I’ll leave you.”

“No,” Dean caught his arm, “Drink your damn tea.”

Cas hesitated, hovering above his seat before sitting back down and taking a sip from his mug. 

He waited a moment until Dean’s face seemed to turn back to its normal tanned-honey color before speaking again, “I am sorry, you know. I don’t mean to annoy you, I guess I’m just not a very good human, yet.”

Dean looked at Cas, his expression once again softening.

“You,” Dean said, suddenly.

“What?” 

“You… my good dream. It was about you,” Dean said, reaching across the table and pressing his hand over Cas’s.

He gently began to rub little circles against Cas skin before a small smile touched his lips. Everything in the room blurred in Cas’s vision, except for the beautiful hunter and his emerald green eyes.


End file.
